The Myths of Parenthood

At a fairly young age – maybe 15 – I realised I did not want to be a parent. I knew then that motherhood was not for me, although I started vocalising that thought to other people much later. Before you bemoan my fate, let me tell you there is nothing wrong with me – mentally, physically or reproductively. If I had chosen to have children, no doubt I would have been as fertile or infertile as any other woman my age. But I have made a different choice; a choice that I’m very happy with.

Even though I don’t need to explain my choices to anyone, I’m still going to give you a brief glimpse inside my head and tell you about the reasons which led to this choice. Because what was merely an instinct at 15, hardened into resolve as I grew older. This happened once I realised that there are several myths surrounding parenthood, that have been passed down from generation to generation. These myths will continue to impact our choices unless someone busts them. Allow me to do that today. I don’t ask you to blindly accept what I say, just hear me out and decide for yourself.

Myth 1: Everyone should become a parent

I feel lucky that I got to have great parents, but not everybody can say the same. There are a whole lot of people who had unhappy childhoods. I’m not talking of people who have been abused or neglected in their childhood. That’s a whole different story. But some people felt lonely, abandoned, and/or unloved when they were growing up. Their parents were not bad people, nor did they have bad intentions. Maybe their parents just did not have the time, energy and mental space that bringing up a child requires. They may have wanted to be better parents, but that was something they just couldn’t do.

At the cost of offending a few people, let me say this – some people make terrible parents. You know who are and to those people, I want to say – I wish you had made a different choice. It’s not enough to bring a child into this world; giving that child a happy and carefree childhood is equally important. I think I fall into the “terrible parent” category. Despite all my good intentions, I don’t think I would end up doing the job well. My child would not starve or want for clothes, education or any other amenities that parents provide for their kids. But I ask myself – is that enough? Are material amenities and good intentions enough? I had more when I was growing up and I think my kid or any other kid in this world deserves at least that much if not more.

On an aside, I think I make a great aunt – or so I like to believe – and I love my sister’s kids to bits (I wrote in detail about Auntyhood last year). But I have to admit that motherhood is very different from meeting your sibling’s kids occasionally and enjoying your time with them. Being an aunt means you don’t have the life-long responsibility that a parent has of shaping the life, values and morality of this child who completely depends on you. And that’s an enormous responsibility to not have on your shoulders. I repeat, if you can’t take that responsibility, it’s better to not become a parent, rather than become a terrible one.

Myth 2: Children provide care and support in old age

I get this from many people, ‘Right now you’re young and healthy so it’s fine if you don’t have kids, but who will take care of you when you grow old?’ I have two questions for people who say this. First, can anything be more self-involved than giving birth to a baby, only so that the baby can grow up to be useful in our time of need? I know this is the cycle of life. Each generation takes care of the previous one. And yet the idea of bringing a child into the world solely to have someone who would take care of you in your old age seems unfair to me.

Second, what is the guarantee that this wondrous child, you have given birth to, raised and then reserved for your old age, will end up taking care of you? Times have changed so much, and with adult children living miles away from ageing parents, your odds of having to use assisted living in your old age are pretty much the same as mine. At least, I will be prepared that I’m going to have to take care of myself when I grow old, unlike so many others who have high expectations from their children and end up getting seriously disappointed when those expectations are not met.

Myth 3: Children bring a couple closer

This is one myth that truly deserves to be busted. The truth is that the increased responsibility, divided attention and reduced intimacy, that comes when a child is born, often drives couples apart rather than bringing them together. I know people who honestly admit that this happened to them. Nothing wrong with that. A child is a serious responsibility. Having a child can turn your world upside down, which is why it is an endeavour best taken with caution.

I’m also not saying that there aren’t couples out there who may have come closer after having a child. I’m sure sharing the pleasure of seeing your child grow into a wonderful human being must be special indeed. But it is not a good enough reason to have children. If this is the reason you have decided to have a child, because you’re having problems with your partner, then there cannot be a worse idea than bringing a child into the mix. All that will happen is that your problems will get shoved under the rug temporarily. But that will not mean that the cracks in your relationship don’t exist or that they don’t need fixing. By bringing a child into this scenario, you’re actually taking a huge gamble. Those cracks could become insurmountable obstacles in the shadow of parenthood.

Myth 4: Your life is incomplete without children

In my opinion, your life is incomplete without whatever is important to you. My life is incomplete without dogs and books, amongst other things. We are all different and the same things don’t hold the same value for us. I don’t doubt that some people who have children experience such extreme bliss, they feel they could never have lived without having children. My sister is certainly one of them. And yet, born of the same parents and brought up in the same environment, my idea of bliss could not be more different from hers. I don’t think child-free people have incomplete lives. They fill their lives with other things that are important to them. They have the time and energy to pursue work and passions that people with kids are sometimes forced to give up on. There is no right way of living a complete life. There is no judgment here. There is nothing selfish about choosing work or other interests over having children or vice versa. These are all trade-offs we ought to make keeping only our happiness in mind.

Myth 5: The maternal instinct will eventually kick in

I don’t know what maternal instinct means, but whatever it is it certainly hasn’t kicked in yet. I don’t look at babies and feel like holding them or cooing over them if that is what maternal instinct means. I do however feel that way when I see a puppy, so does that mean I have a maternal instinct towards dogs? Who knows? What I have understood is that it is nothing more than an instinct to nurture and protect someone or something that cannot take care of itself and for whom you are responsible. If it’s a baby and you’re a woman, I guess they call it the maternal instinct. As I said, I have it towards puppies. I have that instinct for my niece and nephew. I even have it for some of my younger colleagues and friends who are still finding their bearings in the world. I think these are good instincts; they make me a nicer, more generous and compassionate person. It’s alright if the so-called maternal instinct passes me by altogether.

Some of you may be wondering, what does my partner, Nikhil, feel about all this? Well, since the age of majority, I haven’t entered a relationship without having fully vocalized my feelings about having children. Similarly, I would never enter matrimony without making it clear to my future spouse that harbouring any hope that my views on motherhood would change over time is completely futile. I certainly don’t want to deprive anyone, especially someone I love, of something important to them. But I will also not automatically assume that there aren’t more people out there who feel the same way as I do. If you meet someone who shares your views on this subject, then the choice of having children or not is something that only the two of you have to make. Two people can take this decision together and be completely content with it – just like we are.

This post may have given some of you the impression that I don’t like children. That’s not true. I like other people’s kids; I just don’t want to have any of my own. I love my nephew, Abhimanyu and my niece Shumona and I’d gladly take a bullet for them. All my cousins’ children and my friends’ children have a very special place in my heart, simply because their parents have a very special place in my heart. I also find some children quite interesting – the way they think, reason and understand things is endlessly fascinating to me. There are a few kids who get on my nerves and children’s birthday parties are almost always torture for me, but on the whole, I’m happier for having children around me. I also admire people who willingly, happily and responsibly choose to become parents. More power to you.

~P

P.S. I wrote this post a few days ago before one of my closest friends told me about expecting a baby in December. All I can say is

M,

I couldn’t be happier for you. I have no doubt you’ll be a great parent.

Ignore this post.

Love,

P