When the movie Jab We Met released in the year 2006, I was still in Law School. Much to my surprise, many people who watched the movie later came to me and said that Geet (Kareena Kapoor’s character in the film) reminded them of me. Surprise is too mild a word because, when I heard that, I was outraged. When I watched the movie, I thoroughly enjoyed it and laughed along with Geet’s idiosyncrasies, but not for a minute did I feel that she and I were kindred spirits. I assume that people who were reminded of me were saying so because they thought I was a non-stop chatterbox like her—I don’t think I ever talked that much and definitely not in my sleep. But more importantly, there was a lightness, a joy, an optimism to her character that I never had, especially in those years of my late teens and early twenties.

Now you might ask me what these inner ramblings about my personality and a fictional movie character have to do with today’s post. Well, aside from the fact that I re-watched the movie recently and Geet’s character is fresh in my mind, I realised that there was one thing that she and I did and still have in common. That is our ability to be comfortable around strangers, or rather our ability to talk to strangers freely. I confess I rarely find myself at a loss for words no matter whom I’m with, where I am or what I’m doing. I’m not sure if this makes me an extrovert or not, but it certainly makes me someone who enjoys going out and meeting new people.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is my husband, Nikhil. He couldn’t be more different from me. He doesn’t like parties very much, meeting new people even less so. Silences—even really long ones—don’t bother him. If he meets someone new and, god forbid, that person doesn’t talk to him, the whole evening can go by without Nikhil uttering even a single word. The only thing my father said when he met Nikhil for the first time was “Nikhil thoda kam bolta hai (Nikhil doesn’t talk much)”. All I could do was glumly nod my head to agree with what was obvious to everyone. My friends tease me that the reason he doesn’t speak much is that he doesn’t get the chance to say anything when his wife is speaking non-stop. But that’s not true—and Nikhil will agree—I speak only to cover up the awkward silences when he doesn’t feel like saying anything. For the sake of this post, I will call Nikhil an introvert, though he has as many traits of introverts as he doesn’t.

So what do you do if an extrovert ends up living with an introvert? Well, for one, you understand that this is the way it is—he is the way he is; you are the way you are. Neither one of you can change to become more like the other person. As an extrovert, you have to understand that being social and friendly doesn’t come easily to everyone. That, if your partner is being standoffish or anti-social at a party, he is not doing it to upset you; rather, it’s just something he cannot help. And not only do you need to understand this yourself, but you also need to help the other people in his life to understand this about him. This may include telling your family and close friends that your partner doesn’t mingle easily with strangers and will take some time to become comfortable. This could also mean not abandoning him at parties to enjoy yourself with your friends, but sticking around to make sure he feels included. Not that I do all these things successfully or that I never get angry with Nikhil. I get angry with him when I feel like he is not trying hard enough, but I cool down when I realise that I am the only reason he is putting himself through this discomfort. Had he had his way, he would never have come to this party/outing. That he has accompanied me is the biggest sign that he is trying. So then how can I get angry with him?

There is one more thing I do. I don’t ask/expect him to go to every party/outing with me. I don’t ask him to accompany me to places that are solely meant for my enjoyment or where there are people only I know. Hosts look a bit surprised when I turn up alone, but I don’t care. Because this arrangement is a win-win for both of us. Nikhil gets to stay at home with Olof and order food from outside (something he likes to do best) and I get to go out and enjoy myself without having to worry about my partner having a good time. I don’t do it a lot, but I do it often enough to keep both of us happy. It is not a sign that anything is wrong with us, rather that we have an evolved relationship where we can go to parties alone and have a good time by ourselves. I think that’s magic!

There are a lot of other things that I keep trying to keep my husband’s social anxieties at bay. I’m sure he has even more tricks up his sleeve for the many, many anxieties I have. But this is what a good partnership is all about — you cannot change the person, so you adapt the circumstances to suit the person. One of the smartest things you can do is to find a group of friends who are like family, with whom even the extrovert in your life can learn to blossom. Nikhil and I have found our people, who love us for who we are and accept us the way we are — Nikhil for his shyness and me for my “alleged” over-talkativeness.

Now I put it to you—if you were a Geet, how would you live with an introvert? By the way, just for laughs, I wanted to tell you that I initially considered a different title for this post — “Jab He Felt … Shy”. I dropped it when I realised the many different ways in which that title could be construed. He he!

~P